The Legend of Cannabis Man

Why me, was the only thing that High Man managed to muster before he had the wind knocked out of him and was launched out of orbit.

It was embarrassing really, High Man (or Tim) was the greatest superhero known to mankind but his lows were just about as extreme as his highs.

It started with the expected cliche, experimentation with a pretty girl he wanted to impress as a teen.

Unlike others however, his impressiveness actually increased upon every inhale and exponentially at that.

He assumed that these new feelings of increased strength and invulnerability was a common one.

That is, until he accidentally destroyed a car during a dare. Luckily for him in was in a junkyard…the first time.

The second time, he was smoking a blunt on the top on the Golden Gate Bridge.

Although he had forgotten his amazing feat in the junkyard, he had discovered his high allowed him to fly so he took the same girl on top of the bridge to continue to impress her.

As any other would, she went on and on about how cool it was that he had such strength with only a huff and a puff. On a dare, she commanded him to go down to the cars below and lift one of them up in the air.

Amused, he planned to simply land on a car being towed by a truck, dance on it to mock her ridiculous request and then fly off. Unfortunately, his discovery of flight did not mean he was a master.

Even more unfortunate, his aim was horrible.

Instead of landing on top of the car he crashed into it, the force launching the entire truck into the air. Instincts then overcame him and with confidence ensued by his new girl he shot towards the truck and caught it, safely placing the truck on to the other side of the bridge.

But just the truck.

Time and time again, he got high and brought his girl to accompany him.

“Tim, how many times do I have to tell you? You are high man, you can do this!” exclaimed Erica.

After a standby caught wind of the conversation and witnessed the removal of an entire tornado from the path of a small town with a single breath, people had began to dub him “High Man”.

The government caught wind of his physical prowess and gave him permission to smoke wherever and whenever he pleased. Bystanders learned to catch Tim’s attention and remind him of his abilities.

Yet, High Man seemed to have more and more difficulty recalling and using his abilities.

People found that High Man…was constantly high.

In fact he had been high for months straight!

He had been high for so long, that him being left alone for too long had continuously caused him to forget that he possessed his incredible abilities.

Buildings entered by him started to lose stability from the cracks and shakes that his door slams had caused.

Smaller homes began collapsing due to the accumulated strength that Tim built from smoking so much.

High Man became a problem.

High Man in fact smoked a lot of cannabis in the form of CBD.

He advised using CBD oil vape pen starter kit from Blaze4Days.

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Erica, was the solution and was assigned the task of following High Man as she was the only one that Tim trusted most, which allowed him to be a much more efficient hero than before.

It was discovered later that Erica had begun to develop abilities as well.

They too accumulated from repeated exposure from a trigger, the secondhand smoke of High Man.

As Erica was forced to follow him around to prevent too much damage during Tim’s day to day activities, Erica started to gain power.

One day, High Man was extremely exhausted from defending Tokyo, Japan against a strange invader.

Although he was fine, the invader launched him out of the out the city and it was left vulnerable to demolition.

Erica, having been nearby and a witness to High Man’s failure let out a massive, desperate scream that in turn blew away the invader who was floating above the city.

And thankfully so, as the force from the scream’s blast had turned ripped him to shreds.

A U.S. government agent that had been monitoring the two had been the only witness as that portion of the city had been evacuated upon the invader making their presence known a couple days ago.

(Getting High Man over to the country of Japan had been a struggle in itself, so there had been time for many citizens to leave.)

Quickly, Erica had been executing the work expected by High Man undercover.

Her powers mirrored his and in spite of all of the work she put into keeping Tim under control, she loved him and had agreed to follow him as it was the only way she could spend time with him.

It didn’t take long before she began to get resentful once she was the one saving everyone.

The government insisted that to avoid public panic, that Erica would have her abilities taken credit for by High Man.

This way, he would also be on the scene as quickly as possible.

So High Man retained all of the privileges of being the world’s greatest superhero.

In addition, Erica was no longer allowed to smoke as she had to inhale as much of High Man’s secondhand smoke as possible to maximize her strength.

One day, a giant meteor had entered Earth’s orbit.

The estimated size upon impact was the size of the United States.

The world was in a panic and devastated.

Of all of the problems that High Man faced, none lit a candle upon the magnitude of the issue that laid before him.

And again, he had forgotten that he had abilities.

Erica had pleaded with him for hours but High Man refused. He was shown footage upon footage of his feats, but the most incredible and recent feats were accomplished by Erica so he had lost confidence.

Desperate and frustrated by his cowardice and disbelief, Erica suddenly grabbed Tim and thrust him towards the meteor.

The momentum combined with Tim’s superhuman endurance allowed him to knock the meteor out of orbit.

His last words were unheard by everyone except Erica, who heard a very faint “Why me” upon exiting the orbit of Earth.

The throw was so speedy, everyone who had witnessed the event had thought High Man had suddenly flew up to the meteor and pushed it away.

However, Erica was fully aware of what she had done and immediately collapsed up realizing the weight of her sin.

As she cried in pain at the sight of her love entering space where the momentum would leaving hurling until his high ran out leaving him to die, the world cheered.

The greatest superhero known to mankind had sacrificed his life for Earth.

 

Santa’s First Time Getting High

“Ho, ho, ho!” The jolly fat man yelled out as he peered over the side of his sleigh.

Adam yanked on the reigns, and pulled to the right. Santa made of show of waving his arms to keep his balance, before collapsing into his seat.

He erupted into a fit of giggles as he rolled around, and Adam sighed.

Down below them, three women of the night stared up dumbfounded from the sidewalk and Adam suddenly felt like Santa’s cheerful call had been less jolly and more insulting.

“You can’t just call people Ho’s Santa!” Adam called out to him over the cold December air that whipped at his jacket.

“I calls them like I sees them,” He said with a wide grin, “I’m their patron saint you know?” He fell into another fit of laughter.

Adam wanted to laugh along with him, but he didn’t want to reinforce the behavior.

“You still shouldn’t,” Adam attempted to think quickly, “Or, uh, Ms. Claus will put you on the naughty list.”

“I’m already on her naughty list,” he said with a wink. Adam focused on the houses below to keep his mind from picturing that.

Santa’s job was actually very efficient.

The sleigh appeared to be moving in a sort of time-dilation bubble, so time for it moved slower than time for everything around them.

Five minutes of gift giving was only about five seconds of real-world time. To make things even easier, the gifts appeared to deliver themselves.

Simply launching out of the massive, bottomless bag in the back of the red sleigh, and finding the correct chimneys like heat-seeking missiles.

And at random intervals, he would actually land and eat some of the treats left out for him.

That is how he had ended up at Adam’s house. That is how he had found Adam’s cookies.

And that is how Adam found himself awake at two in the morning, listening to Santa berate him and demand that he “fix this shit right away.”

“I think we’re being followed,” Santa suddenly spoke with all seriousness. “I think it’s the cops.”

“Santa,” Adam spoke as if he were speaking to a child, “We’re five hundred feet in the air. No one is following us.”

“They have helicopters. Probably stealth ones, like the shit they used to get Bin-Baden.”

“I don’t even know what to say to that,” Adam said with exasperation, “I don’t know what you want me to do. And it’s Bin-Laden.”

“He was always on my bad kid list,” Santa countered.

“Yours and the CIA’s,” Adam mumbled.

“Maybe it’s Krampus…” Santa suddenly spoke in a hushed tone.

“Screw Krampus,” Adam said.

“Shhhhhh,” Santa’s eyes went wide, “He’ll hear you!”

“Can we focus on this?” Adam asked, “We’ve been flying in circles for the past hours. You need to tell me where to go.”

“Straight to hell,” Santa said and burst into laughter.

“Alright,” Adam said humorlessly, “I’m taking us north. I know where that is. One of the elves can take over.”

“Noooo!” Santa cried out, “I can’t go back like this, my wife will murder me! I’ve been clean for twenty years, she can’t find out I relapsed.”

“It’s just marijuana for Christ’s sake,” Adam explained, “It isn’t like you’re shooting up heroin.”

“Ha ha,” Santa said feigning a laugh, “Yeah. I’d never do that.”

Adam looked at him sideways, but ignored the remark.

“God even appeared to Moses as a burning bush,” Adam continued through the awkward silence.

It appeared like Santa was about to say something, when the sleigh suddenly lurched forward violently.

It felt as if something heavy had just latched onto the sleigh

“There he is!” Santa yelled out, “It’s Krampus!”

Adam turned in his seat to see a giant, bipedal humanoid that resembled a goat clinging to the back of the sleigh

“Come get us you goat-looking piece of-” Santa was waving a forty of Busch Light in his left hand, and Adam had to pull hard to the right again to make him fall into his seat.

“Where did you get that?” Adam asked, torn between the fact that Santa had alcohol on his sleigh, and that he had been right about Krampus.

“Found my old stash,” he said with a quick look at Adam, and a wide grin. “Back when I used to drink and fly a lot.

I’m not proud of it, but its in the past and I’m not afraid to-“

The sleigh lurched again as Krampus, his eyes glowing red, pulled himself up into it. His razor sharp claws were as long as a chef’s knife.

He smiled, as a forked tongue flicked in and out of his mouth between razor sharp teeth.

Santa, in all his marijuana induced bravado, stepped forward without hesitation.

Adam tensed as he waited for those claws to disembowel Saint Nick.

Instead, Santa wound up, and slammed the half-empty forty bottle of Busch Light into Krampus’s head.

It screamed a wicked scream as it shattered on his temple, and Santa gave the beast one hard shove, sending it careening to the ground.

Karmpus hit the ground with a sickening crunch, and stayed still.

“I should’ve done that centuries ago!” Santa called out at the body, “I was always holding back.”

Adam, still shaking in his boots, stared up at him in awe.

“Let’s get this night over with,” Santa sighed, “I want to go home, and go to sleep.”

“Will you tell me how?” Adam asked.

“Just let go of the darn reigns,” He sighed, “The reindeer will take us where we need to go, if you’d just let go of the reigns.”

Adam wanted to scream at Santa for not telling him sooner, but instead let the reigns fall into his lap, and closed his eyes.

“Hey,” Santa spoke through the silence. Adam opened a single eye and looked at him.

“Yeah?” He asked.

“Want to stop by taco bell on our way out of here?”